I have been dancing around the Scriptures this week. Jumping from Romans to Psalms to Galatians. Searching. Just searching for some word from God. Some explanation for what has happened over the course of the last couple of weeks.
One day I’m having a mountain-top experience. I was praising God for what I thought was about to be the blessing of all blessings. Then…I didn’t just come down from the mountain. I missed a step, tumbled head first down the mountain and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom. It hurt. Still does.
And I don’t understand. In my human, not all-knowing mind it seems that the prize was dangled before me only to be taken away as I reached for it. And, to be honest, I was quite frustrated with God. I wanted to know ‘why’. I felt wounded by the One who was supposed to care for me…it reminded me of another time when I felt like God had let me down.
June 28, 2006. It’s funny how dates just stick in our memories. Good ones. Bad ones. Months can go by without a certain event coming to memory, but you see the date on the calendar and it’s like it happened yesterday. That is how June 28th is for me. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I was pregnant with a second baby. It had taken us almost a year to get pregnant with this one and I knew it was going to be a girl. Obviously, at nine weeks, I didn’t yet know, but felt that it was and had already named her…Lillian Grace. That morning, I dropped Emily off at school and suddenly knew something was very wrong. Cramping. Bleeding. I went straight to my doctor and, by the time I got there, I was no longer pregnant. That’s what they told me. “I’m sorry. You’re no longer pregnant.” Talk about falling off of the mountain and landing on your face.
It’s so hard to understand…the difference between God not causing an event, but not stopping it either or God having the ability to answer a specific request, yet choosing not to do so. It would be so easy to become bitter and angry. But God and I…we have history. When you’ve been together as long as we have…you know each other well. He knows that, though I am hurt and frustrated at the moment, I will come around to what I know to be true of Him. I know Him well enough to know that, even though something bad has happened, He is still good. He can handle my emotions. I can handle not having all of the answers.
“…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord. In all of this, Job did not sin or accuse God of wrongdoing.” Job 1:21-22
“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Job 13:15
God and Job…they had history. God knew that his servant would never walk away from His God. Job knew that, though he did not understand the circumstances, His God was good.
I pray that will always be my response to the Lord in times of hurt, disappointment or even devastation. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.