I feel like I am currently wrestling with God.
I think God is leading me in a certain direction, but I struggle with not knowing all of the details. I’m afraid to commit without knowing the long term plan. I question whether or not I am understanding God correctly. Every time I think I know what is about to happen…I am blindsided by a different set of circumstances or possibilities. My husband said it perfectly when he recently said “I feel like I’m running a marathon and they keep moving the finish line.”
Taking my current circumstances into account, it is only appropriate that I have been reading in Genesis about Jacob. Jacob who wrestled with God…literally. All night they wrestled. I feel like I’ve been there. I have wrestled with God many nights trying to figure out where He was leading me. And, even when I feel like He has told me, I then struggle with the why and the how. In some ways, I feel like I can empathize with Jacob.
Jacob was heading home. It had been twenty years since he had lied to his father, Isaac, and stolen the blessing intended for his brother, Esau. Twenty years since he had fled from Canaan. He had started a new life. He was a married man with numerous offspring and much wealth. His life was quite comfortable and I can’t help but think that Jacob would have been happy living out the rest of his days there. However, a rift develops between Jacob and his father-in-law and he is forced to leave his home once again. Where will he go now?
The Lord said to Jacob, “Return to the land of your fathers and to your family, and I will be with you.” ~Genesis 31:3
Jacob is told to go home. Home. The same home with the angry brother who wanted him dead. The same home with the father who had been deceived years before. And God gives Jacob no indication regarding the kind of welcome he will receive. He just tells him, “I will be with you.” I’m not giving you all of the answers right now, Jacob. I’m not going to ease your mind. I’m not going to tell you what is going to happen. But, I will be with you.
This is where faith comes in to play. This is where I have a chance to show that I believe what I say I believe. Though I have not been given all (or any) of the answers, I trust anyway. I walk in the direction God leads and I don’t worry about the end destination. I just trust that God is with me on the journey. After all, I would much rather walk with God into unknown territory than stay in the comfort of the known by myself.