I stare constantly at my telephone as if, at any moment, a very important email or text or call may come through. I hold the phone up to my ear and quietly excuse myself to roam the halls and kill some time. I get up to refill my glass of tea for the tenth time just to have something to do…
Something – anything except engage in small talk or, worse yet, be trapped awkwardly alone while others engage in small talk.
What is it about me that can not function in a social setting? Where is the me that my husband calls funny and clever and cute?
Several weeks ago, I attended an amazing event called Secret Church. I was so excited about going that I had stopped and bought a new jacket to wear down there.
So, there I was, sitting in a room with 3,000 other people studying and praying for persecuted believers around the world. But, you know what I was thinking? I probably look ridiculous in this jacket. Do I look as uncomfortable as I feel? Which arm rest is supposed to be mine – the one on the left or right or neither or both?
Periodically, throughout the evening, I would speak to those around me. I would make seemingly intelligent statements. Yet, on the inside, I was a wreck. Why did I just say that? That didn’t come out the way I meant. Does my breath stink? Do they want to talk to me or do they feel obligated because I’m sitting right next to them?
But, you know what, I don’t think I’m the only one that feels this way. I think about all of the people that were at the event. And I think of the thousands of women who will be attending the Deeper Still event in Birmingham this weekend. I’ll be there and I know, as I look around the arena, there will be lots of cute women with cute hair wearing cute clothes. And I am convinced that not all of them are as secure on the inside as they appear on the outside.
Because what I have learned from myself is that sometimes…insecurity parades around in a bright red jacket.